Get Creative With Your Intake/Alcoholism

Warning: Not trying 2 promote the "binge drinking culture" with this upcuming post. But, like, whatevr.

Now that thats out of the way, it seems like a good time in the yr 2 discuss the cleverly created pastime of 'consumption entertainment activities', aka 'drinking games'.
It is, after all, officially the bizarre lil month of March, a month full of holidays/experiences like St.PatricksDay where ur lil Irish frnds get 2 b all "proud" of their hungerstriken heritage so u can drink a lot.
The month of March is also usually home 2 SpringBreak, a common ritual that finds many collegeStudents using excessive amounts of booze/drugs/sex 2 have a good time in some warm sunny locale.

Nd while there r plenty of ways 2 drink nd places 2 do so, sometimes they bcum cliché nd frustrating when utilized 2 much.
- Like at a club.
U gotta love the club scene, but always having 2 throw down lots of cashmoney 4 cheapo lil drinks can get rly annoying.

- Like at a FratParty/BasementParty.
While these two party scenes r cumpletely diffrent, they r similar in some regards, like their overall sketchiness, the increased potential for unwanted sexual activities, the high possibility 4 hard drugs, nd in regards 2 drinking, where its all very excessive nd usually containing alcohol that ur not rly sure of.
Cuz even if its in a bottle u recognize, chances r that its been refilled with some kind of crap OsoNegro-style shit that will probably make u vom later, anothr key similarity between FratParties nd BasementParties [via the frequent vomiting of partyguests after they leave].

- Like with ur parents. Cuz nothing says "Our family is doing just fine" like taking shots of Jack Daniels. Especially when this is in conjunction with a death or an elderly some1's birthday.
But some would find it surprising 2 hear that this can bcum problematic after a while.
[Miss u N.D.]

So sometimes when all of these places/events/experiences get kind of tiring 2 always b partaking in drinking at, the best thing 2 do is gather up a few good frnds nd partake in 1 of those good ol drinking games.

Nd the best part is: There r so many diffrent Drinking Games 2 choose from.

- There's the Card-related Drinking Games.
Like the ones my college self loves 2 play.
Love u Kings.
Want 2 start playing Go Fish! as a drinking game more with my frnds/family.

- There's the Media-Interactions Drinking Games.
Which in itself there r many kinds of DrinkingGames too.

1 Exmpl: Playing a movie drinking game.
Nearly any movie will work. 1 my frnds recently did was a Drinking Game 4 "American Beauty".
Went a lil something like this:
Drink evry time...
1. Any1 does drugs.
2. Lester obsesses over Angela.
3. Ricky is seen videotaping anythng.
4. Lester argues with any1.
5. Lester is shown exercising.
6. Angela calls Ricky weird/freak/anything along those lines.



Anothr Media-Interaction Drinking Game exmpl: Watching a speech/the news.
If u decide 2 wake up 1 morning, flip on CNN nd take a shot of ur fave hard booze evry time they mention the Economy. Its a surefire way 2 4get the rest of ur day nd evrything that will unfold.

Thnx TinaFey 4 making this NewsInteraction DrinkingGame so popular via ur SarahPalin impressions. aka Taking a swag 4 evry use of the word "maverick".

Suggesting that u start making a Drinking Game out of ur reading of L.A. Nouveau.
Here r the rules:
Take a shot evry time u see the word "hipster", "Uffie", "mp3", "LosAngeles", or "Nouveau".
From here, get ready 2 enjoy a great hardly-remembered nite.

- Lastly, cant 4get the NothingButHornyPpl Drinking Games.
The exact games range in nature, nd r often the most creative nd metaphorical of the Drinking Games.
But the basic idea behind them is always the same: when ppl want 2 do sexual things, putting them on an entertaining path 2 do so via alcohol always creates 4 a memorable experience.

Want 2 hear about the NothingButHornyPpl Drinking Games that u like 2 play when ur in a group setting with ur peers.
Or any othr creative Drinking Games that u have found 2 b meaningful in ur life.
Want 2 create a Drinking Game Forum via This blog post.
So plz comment away.

Hoping bitches will implement the new L.A. Nouveau DrinkingGame,
José

Enlisting 4 the Good of My Lil Nation

We're at a pivotal time in our lil nation's history.
There's a lot of bullsht going on right now.
Like that Mom who killed her kids recently.
Seems like theres always some altMom killing her kids at diffrnt times in history.
Remember that 1 lady who drowned her lil ones in the bathtubby? Sad times.

But back 2 our govy's/our nation's problems.
- We're trying 2 recover our blackout-queen shitshow drunk-mess-of-an-Economy.
Nd that's clearly taking a lil bit of work. Thnks Obama 4 investing ur time nd our big dollars 2 fix this shit. Hope ur plan works out.
- We're trying 2 get all the lil ppl good healthcare.
Bcuz a lot of our jobs/workplaces/coal mines refuse 2 give us the HealthCare that we need 2 go 2 the Doctor/OBGYN/Sperm-donating aka Cyrobank Facility.
- We're trying 2 save the Planet from an epic meltdown.doomsday.shitfest.ajfshjdgfs.
Which is gonna take the most work of all bcuz of all the damage that u/I/Exxon has done in the last hundreds of yrs.

Basically, there's already a lot on Obama nd frnds' plates.
A lot of which he talked about at his State.of.the.Union speech last night.
If u didnt watch it/CNN.com+facebook=Mrr it, im sure u can find some clips on the youtubes or something.
Nd he did a pretty good job, kept it pretty positive, made me feel a lil better than I did b4.


But 1 big thing that is clearly being a lil less talked about right now is that we're still trying 2 fight those pesky Terrorists in other nations beyond our borders.

There's still a lot of ppl that have screwed us over who are "at large".

Nd I'm not much of a revengeful person, but its an understandable goal of my lil nation in order 4 it 2 protect itself.

Which is why I, José, have decided 2 take bold action nd Help Support My Nation by
Joining the Army.

Just want 2 b "enlisted" nd hazed until I can't stand on my own 2 feet anymore.
Just want 2 "feel" 4 my country nd its efforts.
Just want 2 get crazy drunk with my army frnds evry night in Fallujah/Kabul/AndrewsAirForceBase.

Want 2 b one of those "Army Stud Hotties" who is featured on the UnitedStates' Government-Official XXX-Army-Boyz-Hot-Sluts Calendar evry year.
Want 2 conveniently place a threatening-looking gun near my reproductive organs as I pose with my bulging biceps 4 all the Ladies of the Wrld.

Want 2 someday b the "poster child" 4 the U.S. Army nd be featured in their super-scholarly commercials that always play while my lil cousins are watching Spongebob Squarepants.

Wondering what messages I can promote [aka I will be forced] 2 express 2 my great Nation via being featured in a made-for-MovieTheater-previews commercial 4 the U.S. Army.
- Would Moms+Dads b inspired by my heroism, nd thus would pressure their kiddies 2 enlist?
- Would tweens b intrigued by my heavy weaponry nd want 2 try it out for themselves?
- Would lil preschoolers b scared of the violence I'd be enduring on film nd would b scarred 4 life enough 2 never join the army?
- Would older folks b confused by the futuristic technology I'd b promoting nd thus feel more disconnected 2 their Nation's militaristic efforts?

Thinking now that I should sleep on this decision, as I guess it sort of requires me 2 potentially sacrifice my life/safety 4 my country.

Hoping 2 bring Peace instead of Bitch Wars,
José

Sweet Land of Liberty, of Thee I Blog

Oh. My. God.
It's so hot... etc etc
But srsly.
Oh. My. God.
This day is finally here.

JanuaryTwentieth is Finally Here.

No, I'm not talking about the historically significant day when Sudanese govt imposed Islamic law nationwide, creating even worsening civil war btween the Muslim north and Christian south. Lolfest. ///

No, bitches.
I'm talking about InaugurationDay2kNine.
aka the L.A. Nouveau NewsCntr presents 2day as:
The Day Barack Obama is officially my Prez.

As of 2day, as of now, as of this moment in time,
Barack.Hussein.Obama is my country's President.

Nd I couldnt b more happy/excited/relieved/empowered/spiritual/choose.ur.own.incredible.emotional.feeling.

Nd now I just wanna b part of it all.
I'm excited 4 all my hard work at getting Barry elected to b finally paid off.
Want 2 celebrate by buying novelty items 2 commemorate this day.
Want 2 join in with evry1 else as we all stand b4 the NationalMall.
Want 2 beat the crowds nd get 2 the front of the Mall so I can see Barack up close.
Want 2 host an Inauguration AftrParty in my hotel room down the street from the Capitol Bldg.
Want 2 meet up with all the BeltwayBitches that I have met ovr the yrs 2 celebrate 2gether.



Want 2 take a train tour down the WestCoast like Obama did on the EastCoast so that evry1 can meet me/get 2 know me/get my autograph/understand my leadership qualities/b part of the spiritual moment that I will supply 2 them.
Srsly. I have the power 2 b the next spiritual awakening. Nd so u do.

BarackObama, U rly r inspiring.
Thnx 4 giving me hope that as a Human of nonBland ancestory, I can still succeed.
Hope u's will still read L.A. Nouveau aftr finding out that my ancestory isnt blander than a Chicken.Mayo.Cheese.Sandwich.onWhiteBread.

Also, a just as wondrful aspect of 2day: Dubya is ovr.
The bullshit last 8yrs is finally ovr.
The fear I have 4 that whole administration is now lifted.
The dumbest prezzy evr, except 4 maybe Millard Fillmore (what a lil skeeze), is finally DUNZO.



Trying 2 figure out how much time its gonna take 4 my life 2 get superbly bettr now that Bush is out of the WhiteHouse.
Will all my dreams quickly cum true?
Will I get that payraise that I've always wanted?
Will more ppl accept my political identification now?
Will the whole sky fill up with blueishgreenishaqua clouds that will pour out happiness nd sunshine?
Will evryday b like another day in Coto de Caza?
** TEASER possible-future-"Where in the Wrld of L.A. is José"-location TEASER**

Just cant wait 2 not have 2 say PresidentElect Obama.
So brilliantly happy that its now just "President Obama".

Cum on get happy my bitches,
José

People's Choice Awards Makes Boy Stab Himself 100x

What the FK FK FK is the PPLZ CHOICE AWARDZ?
SRSLY. Never have I been so insulted//wanted2VOM by an "AWARD SHOW"

So an ad 4 this apparent Awardz Show came up on 1 of my top fave blogs. Nd I clicked it sort of as a joke, u know, just 2 see what i should b in store 4.

First pops up some video with QueenLatifah (the shitshow host of the awardzcermony) talking about how change has cum 2 america as a blue sky background nd symbolic music plays.
So my first thought: Legit... Latifah is gettin all political on us with some Obama talk.
But then the background cuts, the music halts, nd she bursts out nd says: "U know I'm talkin bout the PPLZ CHOICE, right?!" as she smiles nd is all proud of herself 4 turning an Obama-reference in2 an advertizmnt 4 the PPLZ CHOICE AWRD.
Bitch.

So then it gave me the option 2 vote. Nd I obviously opted 2 exercise my right.
But I wasn't aware that my right2vote would b used in the most absurd absene diluted way ive ever heard of for an Award Show.

First it asked me 2 vote 4 my Fave New TV Comedy.
Here r the options it gave me:



First of all, i'm pretty sure neither I nor any othr American has ever seen any of these shows.
The only 1 ive even evr heard of was Kath&Kim, cuz it was advertyzed on a bus once.
So I voted 4 that 1 bcuz of their bettr advertyzing.
Nd I hoped that the next category wud have some bettr voting options.

This is what I got instead:



Favrite USER-GENERATED VIDEO?! WTF>>DOES>>THAT>>EVN>>MEAN>>

First of all, Barack Roll? Rly? A BarackObama meets RickRoll'd aka this shit is so old//donzo//lame its not even funny.
Then, who the fk is Fred? Never even heard of that shit.
Then, the StarWars ACapella bullshit. That dude isn't even the one rly singing. Mrrrr.
Then, WTF is WASSUP 2008?!? I dont think NE1 has evr seen that shit.
And "Where the Hell Is Matt? 2008" more like WHAT THE HELL IS THIS BULLSHIT AWARDZ SHOW?! 2008



"FAVE ONLINE SENSATION" ?!
What on earth does that mean?
Like, HRO?
Like, last.fm?
Except all of these r videos?
Paris Hilton's McCain cumback vid was fine nd all, but how the fk is it an "Online Sensation"?
Nd what constitutes an online sensation?
Nd HOW is A WEEZER MUSIC VIDDY the same as an ONLINE SENSATION?!?

h8 u/h8 u//H8 YOU PPLZ CHOICE AWRDZ.
So peeved I could vomit.

But then guess what?
IT GOT WURSE.
YUPSTERS.



I can hear it now: "And the award 4 the canceled TV show that most deservd a 2nd chance goes 2...."

But srsly. Does any1 know any of these TV shows that they list above?
Ive honestly nevr even heard of any of them.

If I had 2 guess what they were about, here's what I'd say:
Do Not Disturb - a thriller show about a motel owner who is a secret serial killer
Easy Money - It's like WhoWants2BaMillionaire meets Deal Or No Deal except the ppl arent dumb and when they're up to $20,000, they take the money. As my frnds at Staples might say,
"That was easy".
The Ex List - a rly distraught former-douchebag feels that in order 2 better his life, he has 2 go back nd revisit all of his exGF's/BF's nd apologize. gr8 adventures ensue. lolzers.
My Own Worst Enemy - a dark comedy/dramedy about going back 2 high school.
Valentine - i'm not even gonna give a synopsis 4 a show with such a dumb//shitty//wannabe artsy title.

These awardz make me h8 evrything.
I used 2 love awardz. Still do love some. But now I just feel hurt. Nd I feel like w'all r hurting them too.
These lyrics r how I feel towards awardsshows right now.

At first it started with the eyes
I'm like uh uh no way your sister can't know

And so the tension slowly builds
You got them slanted eyes to kill gold-plated trophies, all systems go

Then you kissed my cheek my knees get weak
My heart just skipped a beat so I just froze

Then you touched me there I knew you would
And girl you touched me good I'm like oh oh

Know what know what know what you know what
I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry
It hurts me it hurts you it hurts me what we do
But so good so good so good so good

N.E.R.D. - You Know What


Miss/Need U Oscars.
H8 u Grammys//KidsChoiceAwards//PPLZ CHOICE BULLSHIT.

I'm srsly Betchless,
José

Don't Ask, Don't Ever Wanna Know.

I live in the most “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” life ever.
U ask me why?
I think the answer lies somewhere between the sexually active nerds that flock the hallways, the gays that engage in orgies with only women, the straights that have secret sleepovers with non-straights, the men that get pregnant often, and the newly-divorced mom that has started dating my 18 yr old friend.

Which is why i think i’ve cum to the point where i need to reanalyze what i’m into, what makes me vom, and evrythng in between.
In an effort to be an optimist for once, I spent class today brainstormng what in my life/in general life/in history turns me on.

Here r my turn ons that I came up with:

- Blnde ANGST. there’s sumthin about that grl, u know the one, who’s supr-colored supr-hilighted blnde hair + her personal animosity towards her current state of life that = fantastic.
- Ppl caring about the environment. Not only is eco-chic super in right now, but i cant deny how cool / EPIC / sexy it is when a bunch of ppl are togethr actively helping to bring about climate change.
- the Red Scare. it was dark, twisted, cruel, and super steamy. sumone needs to get on a Red Scare-themed porn immediately... “i know ill get ur commy secrets out of u” “ohh ull get more than that out of me” OR “ god all this mccarthyism is making me soo hot...” etc.
- Othr hipster blogs. But it’s a different kind of turn-on. It’s that “ohh u make me so angry / jealous / i cant believe u just took that idea / layout from me u cumfaced bitch,” but simultaneously “oh mannn it is terrifyingly brilliant / sexy how we clearly share the same thoughts / means of expression in our lives”
- Svetlanas. (see previous post).

And finally, my frnds, my signficnt othrs, my blog readers,
I give u sumthing I've promised for nearly a week.
I give u: M83.

Yee, it's finally here.
Nd just bcuz of the generally angsty nature of this blog, I give u a song that captures that perfectly. It's called "Teen Angst".
Nd now, for the frst time evr, u can dwnload the song from LAnvo. click the lnk.
M83 - Teen Angst
or listen to it:

Enjoy, señores.

Bytsh,
José

PXL8D. GHEY WAR is OVR.

Question: Do you have cancer? No? You don't? Then WHY ARE U WEARING THAT DUMBASS WHITE COTTON SNOWBRDING HAT ON THE BOTTOM HALF OF YOUR HEAD?

cuz ur a DoucheBrder. i don't know ur name or anything about u, but ur currently standing nesxt to me with your mini-sized skateboard wearing that dumbass white cotton snowbrding hat with ur mouth wide open looking like its ready to engulf a penis, and thus, i proclaim thee to be a DoucheBrder.

So i'm using this blog post to declare that my war on the homosexual community is over. I'm sending the troops home, the tanks will head on back, and I hope that me and the gays will be able to live completely independently but in relative peace. Cuz honestly, its not so good to be gay right now... mostly cuz

- Prop 8 got passed in Cali. aka gay marriage is a big NO. not happening, not cool, not legit, not gonna happen, not today, not tomorrow, not in the mood, not working out, not the social norm, not ghetto fly enuff, not appropriate, just NOT.

Also cuz..:

- I've been threatening to kill all of them for the last week. That's what happens when u dick me around (not literally... didnt mean it that way... shit gers... fml)

- Women are so in right now. (this link is to the vid beloww) Srsly, babes are back. There was a while where men had it goin', but women are very much in right now. On the billbrd chrts, in the tbloids, at the supermrkt.

- Black is the new gay. For the last few yrs, being gay was fab, fly, and funky. Now thanks to the best president elect in modern history, being black is SO hipster right now! which means being gay is SO not working... naturally.

WRNING... a friend is in need. and i will now attend to her. so i shall finish up this post later.

Bitch up your life,

José

Dear America

Dear America,

Oh my god.  Thank God.

So I don't even fully believe in God, but seriously, thank God.  And here's why:

- We will finally get out of Iraq

- We will finally begin to care about the environment

- We will finally start becoming energy independent

- We will finally see necessary temporary tax benefits

- We will finally all get healthcare

- We will finally work towards true equality

- We will finally have Barack Obama as President of the United States.

This

is

the

best

thing

that's

hap

pened

in my life time.

YES.

WE.

DID!

To think that it could've been possible that Sarah Palin would've been in the same position as Dick Cheney... or possibly the Dubzster himself...

And for anyone, I repeat, ANYONE, who is bitter about this election...

A. ur a dumbass for not realizing how wndrful Barack is and how much we can possible accomplish with him representing us

and secnd of all, u can "suck my twelve inch" as an EPiC youtube vid once told me.

and if ur one of those bitter "im crying cuz prop 8 got passed" ppl, then either stop wrrying about it cuz a democratic congress will do something about it, move to fking connecticut or massachusetts, or easiest of all, just chnge ur sexuality.  

i'm leaving u with some music...  if u dont know this song, ur gay.  as my best friend just told me in reference to this song, "I was a lesbian until i met you and heard this song, now i'm straight." - N.D.

enjoy JAGER YOGA by CSS ( yeah, the Music is My Hot Hot Sex band )

the lyrics go like this: oh my god, its so HOT.  oh my god, its so COLD.  oh my god i'm so messed up, i don't know which way to go.

if u personally dont think this song is epic, then ur not epic.

\\\that's all////

srsly.  its over.

go party cuz the wrst 8 yrs evr are over!

BOTCH BOTTLED BITCH,

José

To all humans I know

Opning quote: "When I decide to not eat again, I'll be skinny again." - MgS.

New word for you hipsters: Jaklefish.  Origin: Nashville.  Meaning: Some1 who iz a TOTAL JOKE.  Originates from the word JAK, an economically lower way to describe something that is a sad/pathetic/ridic joke.   Like you.  (U know who u ar)  

So everyone i know together makes up the biggest borderline jakaquarium i've ever experienced.  (yes, the word for a conglomerate of jaklefish(es?) )

Now, on to more important aka ACTUALLY HIPSTER not complete PO' HICK WHITE TRSH things that aren't centered around a lonely Tennessee high school (Sry N.D.)  To help u understand where I'm at right now, I feel it's important to (personally) introduce u to the things that r currently motivating the way i carry out my life:

- HIPSTER BLOGS, they fking rock and validate why i feel the way i do about life

- specifically, HIPSTER RUNOFF aka HRO if ur AltBro enuf

- IndieArt Clothing... specifically RVCA (can some1 plz fking explain RVCA to me?  fk my east coast origins), Design by Humans (best t-shirtz evr)

- Herb-based drugs, or lack thereof; this is going to be one LONG november (but ur worth it, IBG & AP)

- Amphetamine salt-based drugs; which will get me and hundreds of othr desperate college students thru this LONG november (shout OUT to MgS & SBR, and AlK & N.D. cuz u needz it)

- Environmentally-concerned students at my college (all twelve of them)

- the Los Angeles dream / the neo-American dream

Before I peace the fk out, I want to make it clear that I blame DICK CHENEY for having to help my parents pay the monthly bills.  Fk th wr on trrr.

1 LST THNG: I am awesome bcuz i live in LA.  But not all of us are so fortunate.  

Some of us are stuck in nowhereland aka rural New York state aka a frozen wasteland of despair, like my bstfrnd, whose life u should discover, obsess over, and secretly love by reading her sxcellent blog SOCIALITE IN NOWHERELAND.

Baetchin' all night,

José

one more rdculsly EPIC thing...

Dear you,

I'm retarded.

I legitimately forgot the most EPIC thing of all of the stuff that is totally EPIC.

The winner of all winners, the creme de la creme.

And i guess this is "Humans that I love." entry TWO

So HtiL #2 is

Barack.
Obama.

Because his passion is incredible.

Because he knew war was wrong.

Because he knows what we have to do now.

Because, let's be honest, he's a G.

Because this country has been really shitty for the last eight years.

Because he will save this country.

Because he's about to be the President.

Hot damn.

stuff that's EPIC.

so here we are again, round three in one day.  i'm becoming obsessed.

and here's who i blame:

- Sarah Keimig

- My Hipster fascination

- Diet Coke

- Running on 3 1/2 hrs of sleep

Now let's move on. 

Cuz this post is about the stuff that i currently define as EPIC.

So congratulations to the following:

Mark Hunter.akaCobrasnake

aka stillBestNightofmyLife

this kid -> aka mMethh.

cuz once again i have seemed to lose Me to Meth.  oh god damn, this happens far too often lately.

the environment.

clean energy.

sustainable energy.

with this i bid thee farewell, bcuz its wednesday, and although i have a midterm tmrw, herb prioritizes above all else. yarg.

Bitch betch botch,

José

AltBro. IndieBetch. ElectroSlut.

warning: i spent almost all of spanish class today wikipedia-ing the CIA and all of the ridiculously fucked up things it has done historically that our tax dollars go towards and that our government endorses...

additionally during this two hour period of awkwardness, i came to a grand conclusion of every single thing that i really want right now:

- sex

- sleep

- diet coke with lime

- weed

and although i didnt plan on this being an mp3 blog cuz i have hype machine for that, i'm posting the song that's humping my brainwaves right now.

it's Tobacco, the lead SynthBro from Black Moth Super Rainbow. and it's called "Hairy Candy"

and it's incredible. so shut up, tell everyone around you to shut up, and blast this shit and watch people trip out / make out with you.

in othr news, my discussion sxn is in forty five min. but i gotta sleep cuz i wnt 2 bed @ 5:45am. i fully blame my goddamn weird ass turbulent sexuality-hyperdrive.

bitch on,

josé