Sacrificing Humans 4 Food Just Got Weirder/More Viral

I can't help but love/h8 fb.
I'd b lying if I said it didn't make my social existence easier.
I know what events r going on. I know who was at who's shindig. I know who broke up with who. I know when former-prepsters decide 2 bcum hipster. Etc.

Nd while I use it a lot less now than I may have used 2, I still feel like it has a huge place in my interweb-related life.
But something ive been struggling with 4 the last few days is how many frnds i have.

I think I have 2 many frnds.
I know I have 2 many frnds.

I look on my nuzefeed nd wind up seeing ppl that I dont even know/remember.
I begin asking myself all these questions about their relation 2 me.
"Did i go 2 highschool with them back in the day?"
"Were they in one of my 250 person-sized lectures in college?"
"Did they work at the same job as me at some point?"
"R they a frnd of a frnd who wanted 2 check me out?"
"R they even a real person or did my sketch Indian frnd make them up?"

With these questions nd more, I decided that I should probably take a few hrs 2 go thru my frnds nd delete the ones that I rly don't know/don't care about.
But then I felt funny about it.
Is that morally acceptable?
What if they want 2 reconnect with me in the future?
Am I limiting myself from finding a possible frnd/ally/hookup?

But then this morning, as I debated the question further, I happened 2 stumble upon the weirdest//greatest//saddest fb app that has evr cum 2 surface.
Nd in an effort 2 best discuss it, I WELCUM U 2 ANOTHR EDITION OF the L.A. NOUVEAU NEWSCNTR.


So back 2 this story we're following here at the NewsCntr HeadQuartrs.
The weirdest//greatest//saddest fb app that has evr cum 2 surface.
What is it, u might ask?

I present 2 u: WHOPPER SACRIFICE.
A FB app made by the BurgerKing dining establishment.


In an effort 2 go viral/b cool/"connect" 2 us interweb lovers on a deeper lvl, BurgerKing has created this latest dysfunctional InterwebMeme in the form of a fb app.
The idea is that the fastfood obesityteeming burgerjoint will send u a coupon 4 a FREE WHOPPER... if u "sacrifice" aka delete 10 of ur fb frnds.
But the catch is that the ppl who u "sacrifice" can b made aware that u deleted them cuz the names of the ppl u delete show up in ur/their fb feed.
U can probly delete it, but idk 4 sure.
U can check out the app nd how it works urself. Must I do evrything 4 u ppl?

I s'pose this gimmick thus calls upon the age old question:
Whats more important, ur frnds or free food?

But srsly.
While at first this sounds like the dumbest thing evr, I was planning 2 delete some peeps anyway. Should I just delete 10 so i can get a free burger?
Is it worth having 10 totally random strangers who I dont even rly know find out that I deleted them so I can score a coupon that im never gonna use anyway?
Guess I could give the free burger coupon 2 a frnd as a present.

On the othr hand, drawing attention 2 ppl that I hardly know on fb will be totally awk.
Like, biggest awkfest evr.
Should I instead choose ppl that I know rly well so its not as awk nd then just frndRequest them again latr?
Will this b more acceptable//more funny//the more "in" thing 2 do?


This app has created so many questions/so much confusion 4 me nd my fb dilemma.
What would u's do? Help me out here.
Would any of u's care if some1 unfrnded u just 2 get a free whopper?
Would u do this 2 any of ur close frnds, would u do this 2 random ppl, would u do this at all?

In conclusion, I dont even eat meat.
Lolzers.

FB never ceases 2 bitch me out,
José

I h8 it, I love it, I miss it.

My frnd Carles over at Hipster Runoff recently composed a brilliant post where he realized that he only has 3 real emotions nd can only feel 3 different ways about something:

He can h8 some1/somethng.
He can luv some1/somethng.
He can miss some1/somethng.

(courtesy of HRO, obv)

nd while he h8ed on, luv’d, and miss’d some great thngs that i agree/disagree/didnt give a shit about, the best categorization he gave to somethng/some1 was to the following...
"JUSTICE. h8/luv/miss u"

nd now i’d like to share somethng that i too h8, luv, miss.
drumroll pleaze:

fb. (this is the last time evr i will explain that fb stands 4 facebook, nxt time ur on ur own)

on one hand, i h8 fb more than anything.

i hate the shitty fbchat, i hate the rising cost of fbgifts, i hate the fbAds telling me where i can meet the hottest BBWs, i hate all my awk fbFrnds who i think i went to highschool with but cant even remember anymore

but mostly i hate the way i dont hate fb, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
ok thats a lie, i hate it a little
but i also luv fb.
i love getting brilliant bumper stickers from drunk ppl, i love looking thru the last 5 yrs of my life thnks to fbPics/Tag’dPics, i love fbPoking those special some1s in my life, i love knowng that the girl i used to date in middleschool is now bi bcuz she changed her ‘interested in’ to include both men nd women

nd yet, with all the h8 and luv, i mostly just miss fb.
i miss when i wuz 1 of 5 ppl in my highschool network cuz evryone was still on UrSpace, i miss when nuze feed just came out causing massive riots wrldwide, i miss when fb was super trippy and said “4get missiles, im switching 2 nukes” at the bottom of evry page

so in reality, i h8/luv/miss fb.
but what i do h8/h8/h8 is the way some ppl use fb and the things that they write/do/post on fb.

ex. fbNotes. Rly? Get a blog or somethng. Don’t ever do this. Evr. I’m trying to think of any exceptions where its ok to write notes. Nd i can’t think of any. At all.

nd now, the EXAMPL OF THE DAY: fbStatuses. sometimes they’re great... they let u know what ur frnd/mom/grandma is up to... they r sometimes hipster humorous... they r sometimes kind... they r sometimes really really angsty... and that’s all fine.
but sometimes, they’re DUMB AS FK.

FOR EXAMPL:


so here’s my question:

WHAT THE FK DOES THAT MEAN?
R u serious right now? What r u even trying to say here?

- R u trying to tell us that u r a lesbian and would rather just have guy frnds?
- R u trying to tell us that u r gonna marry all the girls in that picture with u?
- R u trying to tell us that u r teaming up with my sophomore yr bio teacher to take down all men evrywhere?
- R u trying to tell us that u r straight up on crystalmeth?

So apparently this is a quote from a LesboTVprogrammy. However, it makes no difference. It's still the cuntiest thing ive seen in quite some time.
Nd one more question: What the fk is up with the HeartGraphicBullsht thing at the end of this already cunty-as-fk quote? Riddle me that.

So congratulations, fbGirl with the pixelated name,
U r being crowned, right here, right now (This is HISTORY in the makng ppl!), as L.A. Nouveau's first-ever official CuntyMom of the Week!

Remembr this day in a bitchtastic way,
José

Seasonal Depreshn Hits HOME

"Get me out of this nightmare that some people call life." - AJS

On this same topic, I'd like 2 discuss High School Flings. Flngs. But specifically, I'd like 2 discuss what happens aftr they die.

U know when I'm talkng about...
Somewhere btween the second week of college nd Thnxgvng break cums the time when that high school lovr, who u swore u wuldnt let college get in the way of, goes sour.
What the result of this curdling of the relationship is can vary.
- Whethr its that the boyfrnd is possibly cheatng with that hot girl from Kappa who's in all his fb pics
- Whethr its that the lack of sexual activity is makng ur body want to eat ur insides
- Whethr its that the girlfrnd all of the sudden forgot that she planned on waiting til marriage
- Whethr its that the 19 yr old hubby-2-be couldn't afford a weddng ring cuz he spent all his money on txtbooks, baby supplies, nd coke
- Whethr its that the supposed best frnd convinced the bf/gf that dating is so not in right now

No mattr the situation, the idea remains the same in all cases: Love Dies.
I'm sorry, was I not clear enuf? Let me repeat that:
Love. Dies.
Evrytime.

But then there's always those ppl, u know the ones... hell, u might be one of them,
Yes, ThosePpl, who refuse to accept the fact that Love does Die.
Well here's a little message I'd like to share written to all ThosePpl evrywhere:

Dear ThosePpl,
My life might suck right now cuz I'm back home in a freezng inferno missng the fk out of LA, wishng I was in Paris, praying that I'll get back to the sun and warmth soon,
But ur life is a joke.
Eg. Knock Knock? Who's there? Ur life is a joke.
That right there was ur life, bcuz ur so sadly dictated by the false impression that ur former love is still blossoming and blooming, even tho the leaves have fallen, it's 30º and the non-tropical non-desert non-SoCal regions of the wrld are buried under a blanket of late autumn/early wintr death.
So please thnk again before u tell me that ur high school relationship is still workng out.
Signed, José the Realist Reaper.

Aftr this EmoThrillr AngstRidden blog post, two angsty songs cum to mind to post.
The first: a more downbeat jam by my currnt loves, M83.

M83 - You Appearing

The nxt: a supurbly angst-ridden track from evryone's favorite angst bitch duo, Crystal Castles.

Crystal Castles - Courtship Dating

Bitch-city is Aquí,
José

Wanted: A proPhotographer to stalk my life

My epic life needs a professional photographer.
Since filming my televsion show-esque life would be way too mainstream and far too MTV-cloned, photo-documenting the insanity, beauty, and etc. of my life is surely the way to go.

For yrs as an awkward teen, I carried my little Canon PwrShot around like so many othrs, taking photos every 30 seconds of another awkward couch pic or awkward dance shot...
- Snapping yet anothr pic of the same exact tweens sitting the exact same way...
- Documenting yet anothr walk into town after 9th grade english got let out...
- Freakng the fk out when the camera would run out of battery just as TweenBoy1 and TweenGirl2 were about to dance togethr...
- Filling FB album after FB album of the same pixxx from yet anothr bland day of life...


Yet all of these low-to-fair-quality photos have taken me and everyone else pretty much nowhere, cuz the pictures are just A. corny, and second of all, lameAsHell, cuz, well, life was LameAsHell.

But now, my frnds, life isnt really that lame anymore. In fact, it's pretty fking interesting. And it deserves to be documented in an equally beautiful way.
Which is why after borrowing my friend's super nice camera to document the smoke-teeming Los Angeles yesterday, I have realized this:
I NEED A SUPER NICE CAMERA. BAD.

AND I NEED A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER TO FOLLOW ME AROUND AND TAKE PICTURES OF THE LIFE AROUND ME.

- I'd hire TheCobraSnake, but last i checked he was spending majority of his time in Canada. (MRRR?!?!)

- I'd hire Sam Lutfi and his paparazzi friends, but his last client didn't work out too well...

- I'd hire my photo-taking frnd from back east, but Chicago to LA is a tough daily commute.

- I'd hire the best frnd SarahKah, but she needs to get into FIDM first.

- I'd hire Megan Fox, but I'd be wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too distracted to live out my normal life.

U know what, screw it, i'll take the pictures myself. They won't be as great as a professional's. But i'll take one for the team.

AKA I have NO MONEY to hire anyone to take pixxx of me/mylife/theWrld. and i cannot afford to decline into further debt.

In closing:
A song.
That I love the hell out of right now.
If u don't know M83, then know him, and know them quickly, before I decide to stop knowing you.

I plan on posting a few of their epic songs ovr the next few days.
But today, I'll start with my favorite.
The song is titled: Kim & Jessie.
The song makes u want to be in love, walk down the street feeling in love, and smile to the world that u love something.

Enjoy this song, enjoy your sunday/monday/whenever u might be reading this.

"And one day, just like that, she ceased to bitch all together.",
José