Stand Up 4 Ur Emotions, 4 Uffie, 4 CoExistance

The following post is about our feelings. Not just mine/not just urs/not just u's all's.
Our feelings. All 2gether now. As my frnd N.D. would quote from 30Rock: "Emotions..."
So... lets talk about our "emotions".

Sometimes we're happy.
Like when we find out that the boss we h8 is being deported back 2 the Philippines, or when we find out there's an amazing buy 1 get 1 free sale on Vermouth at ur local Food4Less.

Sometimes we're sad.
Like when we realize that we're going nowhere fast in this silly lil un-Alt life we're living, or when we figure out that our best frnd put up an ad on Craigslist 4 a new bestie.

Sometimes, we're frustrated.
Like when we save that 20-page report on the predicted economic woes of the 2040's until the night b4 its due, or when we learn that the person we're hoping 2 hook up with 2morrow night refuses 2 kiss until marriage.

Sometimes, we're exctied.
Like when we find out that CSS is cuming back 2 town 4 anothr show with Natalie Portman's Shaved Head, or when we realize that our secret lovr from home is coming out 2 california 4 SpringBreak 2kNine.

Sometimes, we're scared.
Like when we discover that we're being followed on the streets by a creepy guy singing Strawberry Fields 4Ever, or when we watch 2 many End.Of.The.Wrld/2012 specials on TheLearningChannel/DiscovryChannel/LackOfHistryChannel.

Sometimes, we're drunk.
Like when we forget 2 moderate ourselves nd not take booze from buckets at that Black&White-RobertRodriguez-Directed Film-themed party at a designated GLBT apartmnt complex, or when we buy five bottles of Vermouth 2 share with our frnds but wind up enjoying it all 4 ourselves.

Nd sometimes, we're angry.
Like when we find out that Sparks, evry1's favey alcoholic+energy drink, was being pulled off the market bcuz of stupid lawsuits about health risks, or when we borrowd our frnd's camera one time nd then it got stolen at a football game but then we paid 4 her 2 get a new 1 anywayz.
OR... when Hipsterrunoff bashes our fave trashy AltCelebs.
Like what happened 2day.
When aftr a week of somewhat ignoring Carles (sry dudeski), I decided 2 go back on HRO just 2 see what he was up 2, u know.

So it should come as no surprise that I was initially rly happy 2 see a Post written about the 1 nd only UFFIE.
But aftr admiring the naked photo of her being graffiti'd on by her gayBoyfrnd, Carles, the self-acclaimed writer of the Hipster Runoff blog, contined with a bullshit rant about how he doesnt want 2 associate himself with Uffie/Justice/EdBangerRecords artists anymore because he is ready 2 "Grow Up" nd move on 2 more quality artists.
Read the BlogPost 4 urself by clicking here.

So u can imagine how this made me feel.
Nd thus, there was only 1 thing I could do: Comment nd provide a rebuttal.
Gonna share it with u's all here now:

"Dear Carles,
h8 u bcuz of this post.
Srsly.
U write:
'In 2k9, now that we are closer to bringing authentic art/artists to the mainstream, I will no longer honor memes like this.'
Mainstream doesnt = authntic.
Nd nor should it.
What separates me from the next mothrfker is that I have my authentic altLoves.

Nd srsly, the alt community is its own community just like the mainstream community.
We both have our legit artists [FleetFoxes + Coldplay]
We both have our dance electro shit [Cut Copy + Lady Gaga]
We both have our “deep” singr/songwritrs [Sigur Ros + Feist]
We both have our potential-CrossOver DJs [Steve Aoki + DJ AM]

Nd We both have our trashy loves [UFFIE + Britney Spears]

Its not about “growing up”
Its about accepting diffrnt types of ppl.
Its about having diffrnt groups within the alt music community.
Its about CoExistance yall.
Need u 2 stop being 2 good / 2 elitist, Carles."

Hope u agreed with that lil response.
Nd now, I'm asking u a favor.
It wont take much time/effort/energy, I promise.

But its time 2 take a stand. Its time 2 defend the trashy celebs that u love.


Its time 2 not let injustice go down on this bitch right here.

So... Im asking u 2 leave a reply comment after my comment on HRO.
All u have 2 write is "Agreed", or u can write something more.
But leave a reply 2 my Comment.
Here's a link 2 where I commented. Just hit reply aftr my comment.
Just want Carles 2 see how ppl r really feeling.

Thnx 4 taking the time 2 defend ur bitch lovers,
José

How 2 B More "Out There Grindin'" nd Other Pieces of Advice

Theres a lot of places u can turn 2 in the InterWeb 2 get advice.
Its 1 of the few good qualities about this mysterious, tumultuous place that ur currently a part of.

But there r srsly so many resources 2 get advice nd learn shit.

There's L.A. Nouveau, a particularly creepy but more-or-less wondrful lil blog where u can learn about hipster couture, what Los Angeles has 2 offer u's, nd other AltBro qualities of living.

There's other blogs like Hipster Runoff aka HRO where u can learn about all diffrnt kinds of Alts by reading a series of hypothetical rhetorical questions asked by the wrld's biggest SketchBro, Carles.

There's UStreetMeet, or University Street Meet, where u can get gr8 fashion advice based on wondrful photographs of random fashionable humans captured nd discussed by 2 coolie lil college students.

There's tons of homeworkhelper sites where u can chit nd chat with othr mentally ill highschool/college/middleskul kiddies who just cant figure out how the fk 2 do their math hwk. All i gotta say 2 this is that these kidlings r a bunch of dumb bogens. Thats why u should just get ur moms+dads 2 fork ovr the money from their trust fund nd pay 4 u 2 go 2 private school. Sry, no offense, but its true.

There's all the diffrnt health-rel8ed advice webbiesites that explain 2 u y ur not feeling so well aftr being diagnosed with HIV ovr 6 yrs ago. Luv u Webmd, now i dont have 2 go 2 a doctor anymore nd pay those stupid meddycal billz, cuz i can get all my questions answered from u. Cant wait til Webmd starts offring a service where u can use Photobooth on ur Macbook Pro 2 take pictures of ur body/sores/problem areas nd it will explain 4 u what the fk is going on.

But srsly, of all the Advice webbysites out there, I have 1 favey.
It's WikiHow. U's have probably heard of it. Any 1, srsly any 1, even if ur one of those dumb publicschool educated kiddies, can write an article 4 WikiHow giving advice 2 ppls evrywhere by explaining how 2 do random shit.

I mention WikiHow 2day bcuz 1 thing i luv about it is the daily "How 2 of the Day" that shows up on my AppleInc.-inspired iGoogle page.
Somedays, the How 2 of the Day is pretty weak/unimportant/total shit.
But 2day is not just any othr day.

Bcuz 2days "Wiki How 2 of the Day" is....
How 2 Grind.

Like, on the dancefloor. Yes, Moms+Dads, scholars, bogens, lilAlts in training evrywhere, if u evr wondered wtf ur teens/20somethings/grandparents were trying 2 do when u assumed they were intending 2 have sex on the dancefloor, it is the art of Grinding.
Want 2 go thru the steps of How 2 Grind with u's now.


Nevr realized that u shouldnt ask ppl if they want 2 grind. Ive always been wondring y I dont do that well on the dancefloors of my favey hiphop/top40 clubs.
Just want to live in a country where I have the freedom 2 ask random ppls if they want 2 grind instead of just asking if they want 2 dance. Cant we just cut 2 the chase? Cum on now.


Thoughts about this photograph:

Luv the photograph. Just want a girl with sexy hips nd equally sexy braces 2 match them.

H8 this photograph. I was srsly just beginning 2 get ovr how shitty of a yr 1942 was. '42 just sucked 4 me in a lot of ways...
- Anne Frank went in2 hiding in that dude's attic that yr.
- The Holocaust went in2 serious full swing that yr.
- Almost 500 ppl were killed in my favey nightclub in Boston, the Cocoanut Grove. Miss partying there aftr RedSox games.
- The ManhattanProject, u know, the secret project where they invented the Atomic Bomb, initiated the wrld's 1st evr Nuclear Chain Reaction. Ive felt much less safer evryday since...

Just want 2 get ovr what a shitshow of a yr 1942 was.
Lets move on.


Just lettin u's all now, I think u can get arrested in certain parts of the wrld 4 initating "Grinding Chains"... so b careful when attempting this final step.

Thnx WikiHow 4 entertaining me/u's/us all yet again.
Now im just waiting 4 a WikiHow article on how 2 more effectively use IcyHot/TigerBalm...
** HINT: Future BlogPost about this topic CUMING SOON LOLZ **

Get ur bitch grinding on the floor thanks 2 advicewebsites,
José

Express Ur Guilt b4 its 2 late

I am my biggest guilty pleasure.
That's right Switzerland, nd othr non-USofA-ers who often browse L.A. Nouveau.

Nd I, like u, have a shit ton of guilty pleasures.
Nd just like u, while I should b embarrassed by some of my potentially depressing/potentially emasculating guilty pleasures, I still talk about them / occasionally flaunt them / discuss them with plenty of the humans in my life.
Yet I, like u, still feel as if they are guilty pleasures, things that I really should keep quiet about nd would b problematic nd sad to discuss.

So back to my original statemnt, right now, my biggest guilty pleasure is myself. Yep, it's me.
José, u r guilty.
Of being my pleasure.

Thought: Is that the most egotistical thing that has evr stumbledupon my brain?
Nxt thought: No.
Cuz life should be lived out in the way we most want 2 express it.
////Life=SuprTemporary////
Nd I, like u, have all the right in the wrld to live it out in any way I want 2.
(As long as I don't murder ppl, shoplift evryday, bcum a meth-producing prosty, etc.)

Nd I encourage U 2 do the same.
As T.I. and Rijanna eloquently audiotune'd about in 2k8, "Just Live Yo Lyfe"

This is continuously turning into the biggest NewYrzResolution NewYrzRezzy rant evr, but srsly, in 2ZroZro9 let us all b free to express our guiltiest pleasures and live them out, cuz who knows when else we will get 2? (Spoiler alert!: In 2Zro10, it will b illegal 2 express guilty pleasures, so act quickly!)
To promote some encouragement, I will tear down all the walls and will, right here, right now, admit to u some of José's biggest guilty pleasures.
(Inhale, exhale).
I'm ready if u r.

Jose's Guilty Pleasures:

- Humans on meth.
I should be so against this.
When it's wrong, yet it feels so right. (Love u ParisHilton 4 this amazing quote)
Looking at their suprskinny decumposing bodies makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Nd the fact that they r actually legitimately doing crystalmeth is just... wow...
Like, that sucks, yet thats amazing.
I know its a twisted pleasure.
Cant help it.



- The Bad Girls Club. Fk Oxygen 4 being an "only 4 women" TV network. The Bad Girls Club is the best show to evr cum to televisions. It always makes me feel A. proud to not b a woman, nd second of all, in love with the American dream nd evrything that it has 2 offer.


- The Mets. I know baseball is 4 cumplete dorky sports fans, but I have loved / love / will always love those Amazin' Mets no matter how shitty of a season they play or how desperately close they will get to the playoffs 2 yrs in a fking row MTHR FKERS I FKING HATE THE PHILLIES FK THAT BULLSHT IM SO TIRED OF THE FKING CITY OF PHILAFKINGDELPHIA I WILL BLOG MORE ABOUT THIS LATR BUT I FKING HATE EVRYTHING ABOUT THAT SHITHOLE CITYY FKKKK THEM


- HRO (hipster runoff). I hate hipsters and bloggers nd all of them solely bcuz I might b one, but hate admitting that i am one, but yet want ppl to think i'm one (WARNING: THIS IS WAY 2 EXPRESSIVE 4 the SAKE OF THIS BLOG SO APPRECIATE HOW MUCH IM REVEALING ABOUT MYSELF 2 U DUMBFKS) anyways i h8/love/H8/miss HRO and evrything about that blog so much. Just want 2 b Carles. Just want 2 express myself yall.

- Sexy NY socialites. As much as I love L.A. nd HATE that WB ripoff show The Gossip Girls Club, there's something about that made-up, stuck-up, slightly prissy but oh so classy NewYork socialite bartender babe that I can't get enuf of. Nd their wealthyAsFk names like Alessandra Belmont or Rebecca Curtis Manville just fuel my "I h8 u but so guiltily love/want u" feelings.



So there u have it.
There r some of my guiltiest pleasures.
Now in an effort 2 better improve urself/ur life/my blog, I ask u 2 please share at least 1 of ur guilty pleasures by commenting this post.
So please share with me below. Cuz I love sharing. And aftr a wonderful evening with best frnds last night, I have seen how beautiful the power of sharing can be.
So fking share ur guilty pleasures. Nd feel good about it.

Betches Got Issues,
José

I h8 it, I love it, I miss it.

My frnd Carles over at Hipster Runoff recently composed a brilliant post where he realized that he only has 3 real emotions nd can only feel 3 different ways about something:

He can h8 some1/somethng.
He can luv some1/somethng.
He can miss some1/somethng.

(courtesy of HRO, obv)

nd while he h8ed on, luv’d, and miss’d some great thngs that i agree/disagree/didnt give a shit about, the best categorization he gave to somethng/some1 was to the following...
"JUSTICE. h8/luv/miss u"

nd now i’d like to share somethng that i too h8, luv, miss.
drumroll pleaze:

fb. (this is the last time evr i will explain that fb stands 4 facebook, nxt time ur on ur own)

on one hand, i h8 fb more than anything.

i hate the shitty fbchat, i hate the rising cost of fbgifts, i hate the fbAds telling me where i can meet the hottest BBWs, i hate all my awk fbFrnds who i think i went to highschool with but cant even remember anymore

but mostly i hate the way i dont hate fb, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
ok thats a lie, i hate it a little
but i also luv fb.
i love getting brilliant bumper stickers from drunk ppl, i love looking thru the last 5 yrs of my life thnks to fbPics/Tag’dPics, i love fbPoking those special some1s in my life, i love knowng that the girl i used to date in middleschool is now bi bcuz she changed her ‘interested in’ to include both men nd women

nd yet, with all the h8 and luv, i mostly just miss fb.
i miss when i wuz 1 of 5 ppl in my highschool network cuz evryone was still on UrSpace, i miss when nuze feed just came out causing massive riots wrldwide, i miss when fb was super trippy and said “4get missiles, im switching 2 nukes” at the bottom of evry page

so in reality, i h8/luv/miss fb.
but what i do h8/h8/h8 is the way some ppl use fb and the things that they write/do/post on fb.

ex. fbNotes. Rly? Get a blog or somethng. Don’t ever do this. Evr. I’m trying to think of any exceptions where its ok to write notes. Nd i can’t think of any. At all.

nd now, the EXAMPL OF THE DAY: fbStatuses. sometimes they’re great... they let u know what ur frnd/mom/grandma is up to... they r sometimes hipster humorous... they r sometimes kind... they r sometimes really really angsty... and that’s all fine.
but sometimes, they’re DUMB AS FK.

FOR EXAMPL:


so here’s my question:

WHAT THE FK DOES THAT MEAN?
R u serious right now? What r u even trying to say here?

- R u trying to tell us that u r a lesbian and would rather just have guy frnds?
- R u trying to tell us that u r gonna marry all the girls in that picture with u?
- R u trying to tell us that u r teaming up with my sophomore yr bio teacher to take down all men evrywhere?
- R u trying to tell us that u r straight up on crystalmeth?

So apparently this is a quote from a LesboTVprogrammy. However, it makes no difference. It's still the cuntiest thing ive seen in quite some time.
Nd one more question: What the fk is up with the HeartGraphicBullsht thing at the end of this already cunty-as-fk quote? Riddle me that.

So congratulations, fbGirl with the pixelated name,
U r being crowned, right here, right now (This is HISTORY in the makng ppl!), as L.A. Nouveau's first-ever official CuntyMom of the Week!

Remembr this day in a bitchtastic way,
José