Report: Teens Channel Their Teen Angst Into Txt Msgs

Being a teen is the worst/best/worstworstworst thing evr.
U know u loved/h8ed/HATE(currently)/still hate/continue to love/hated-every-minute-of ur teenage life.

But never in my life have I heard someone articulate what it means to feel TeenAngst better than what im about 2 share with u.
Lemme give u some contxt.
I was creeping thru my frnds cellphone last night nd browsing some of her txt msg's when I came across a convo between her nd 1 of her younger frnds who needed 2 talk.
When she asked him, "what's wrong?", this was his incredible all-written-in-one-single-txt-msg response: (this is a 100% authntic txt msg, didnt make this 1 up, swear2Jesus *the only thing edited is the bold/italics/color usage)

"idk evrything othr ppls problems my probs wat i can do to be stronger 4 other people who my real friends are wat i wanna do with my life whether or not its worth staying in (this town) how i need an adventure when should i start writing my book social status girls friends who r girls whether or not it'd be fun to run away and liv another life somewhere how badly i rlllllllllllyyy want it to snow so that i can go snowboarding which is like one of the 4 things tht i can just like naturally do which always makes u feel better trust issues need 4 a new hobby grades skul drugs alcohol sex more girls expectations letting ppl down betrayal wat i wanna do this weekend who my friends are y is my family so weird possibly moving 4 my dads new job going to boarding skul moving from my high skul sports more trust issues how im already excited beyond all belief 4 this summer how im a slacker but i could probably b rlly smart true beauty keeping connections with old friends while keeping new 1s feeling different from every1 else"

This is the most epic/rel8able/true/hilarious/sotrue/MySoCalledLyfe thing I've ever read.
I'm still amazed at how rel8able this txt rly is.
Nd how hipster esque it was written. Love txt lnguage. Nd when I say love, I mean h8. Save that shit 4 blogging yo.



But srsly. What angsty teen can't relate 2 the majority of these feelings?
What humans at any age can't relate 2 the majority of these feelings?

Out of all of them, I'd like 2 discuss the ones that were the most relevant 2 my TeenAngst life. (In case u didnt notice, they r in bold in the above quote):
- "idk everything" - the best opening statement ive ever heard. this is the embodyment of TeenAngst.
- "wat i wanna do with my life" - i still ask myself this question, as do we all (w'all)
- "when should i start writing my book" - ive tried so many times, it nevr gets finished, nevr evr. i need 2 take a month nd just finish that shit. i need some1 to do the illustrations tho. its a childrn's book. it's about a boy who hates his parents for not getting him a new guitar, but then they get in a car crash so he doesnt care anymore nd learns a gr8 life lesson.
- "who r girls" - again, i'm still asking this brilliant question. the best question of them all in my opinion.
- "need 4 a new hobby" - i tried rollersk8ing, i fell a lot. tried badminton, apparently u have 2 be an azn. tried lsd, got really tired. now im trying blogging. is this worthwhile? do u love this? more confused than ever.
- "expectations" - ppl wanted the world of me when i was a little teen tyke.
- "y is my family so weird" - just wanna b back in LA. holidays with the whole family is almost never a good idea. just looking for a non-existent normal family 2 take me.
- "how im a slacker but i could probably b rlly smart" - i shouldve stayed in school.
- "feeling different from evry1 else" - story of my teenangst/highschool/preskul life.

Now its ur turn.
Which of the ranted-about feelings expressed in the txt msg apply/applied most 2 u? Share with the wrld. Explore urself thru this crafty medium of expression.

Nd while u share, listen to some 'dont wry about ur awful past' motivational music provided by Sufjan Stevens. From The Avalanche (the Illinois-extras album), here's "Carlyle Lake".


Sufjan Stevens - Carlyle Lake

Waiting 2 get better insight into ur own TeenAngst life.

Txt Msg Bitching Is The Best,
José

Do U Have the Potential?

I finally understand the need for Dateline: 2 Catch a Predator.

B4 today, I always felt that the show was unethical, unnecessary, and if it had 2 b ranked on a moral scale from 1 to 10 (1 being 2Girls1Cup immoral, 10 being iGo2ChurchEvryDay moral), I would've given it a FKING DISGUSTING.

Nd after I just watched another YuTube clip of the show, I once again remember why I find evrything about the NBC television program despicable.

Howevr, after yet anothr interesting wknd, I have realized why there is a need for this kind of TV programming.

Nd here's why:

Cuz Predatorz are Evrywhere.

Nd they only seem to b increasing in numbers nd in magnitude.

Now i've witnessed/known/befrnded/gone of coffee dates with plenty of sleazy creepy "iWillBangThatChickWhethrSheWants2orNot" men in my life.

But somehow, bcuz of the generally respectable nature of my posse, I so often forget just how many SexualPredatorz r actually out there.

Nd I always find myself latr wondering how the fk do these guys actually bcum the SexPredz that they are?

- Did their parents always encourage them to get a blowsky no matter what?

- Were they raised in a home where it was ok to take their sister and fk her after dinner?

- Did they grow up believing that it was Jesus' mission 2 get men to act more creepy and animalistic?

- Are they part of an underground society that teaches them the wrld's most fked up/hilarious pick up lines in history?

Nd as I delve further into this potentially-terrifying problem of the spread of SexPredz, I wondr: Is there any hope? Is there any answer?

Will the only solution b to have an ethnic cleansing of all SexPredz evrywhere?

Nd if we did have a worldwide SexPredz annihilation, who wud make the cut?

Is evryone either a SexPred or not a SexPred?

What about my cousin Nathan? He's been in 2 great long-term relationships, but there was that 1 girl that he roofied last yr after that bad breakup... is he there4 a SexPreddy?
Could I even b a SexPredster?
Do we all have the potential 2 b that guy in the photo above?

I think it's time 4 all of us 2 go 2 therapy. Just in case.
Nd while ur thinkng ovr whethr u might secretly b the next 2CatchAPreddy victim, enjoy some slick sounds from one of the best DJ's/artists in existance at this moment: DIPLO.
He's a Philly-based DJ who is the genius behind a shit ton of the best rmxs out there,
plus started his own label, Mad Decent, who I thank evryday for the wonders of Bonde do Role, my 2yrAgo Brazilian ubsession (pre-CSS enfatuation). Enjoy Diplo.

Diplo - "Must Be A Devil"

Get Shawty nd Bitchy, in a Non-Threatning Way,
José

I h8 it, I love it, I miss it.

My frnd Carles over at Hipster Runoff recently composed a brilliant post where he realized that he only has 3 real emotions nd can only feel 3 different ways about something:

He can h8 some1/somethng.
He can luv some1/somethng.
He can miss some1/somethng.

(courtesy of HRO, obv)

nd while he h8ed on, luv’d, and miss’d some great thngs that i agree/disagree/didnt give a shit about, the best categorization he gave to somethng/some1 was to the following...
"JUSTICE. h8/luv/miss u"

nd now i’d like to share somethng that i too h8, luv, miss.
drumroll pleaze:

fb. (this is the last time evr i will explain that fb stands 4 facebook, nxt time ur on ur own)

on one hand, i h8 fb more than anything.

i hate the shitty fbchat, i hate the rising cost of fbgifts, i hate the fbAds telling me where i can meet the hottest BBWs, i hate all my awk fbFrnds who i think i went to highschool with but cant even remember anymore

but mostly i hate the way i dont hate fb, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
ok thats a lie, i hate it a little
but i also luv fb.
i love getting brilliant bumper stickers from drunk ppl, i love looking thru the last 5 yrs of my life thnks to fbPics/Tag’dPics, i love fbPoking those special some1s in my life, i love knowng that the girl i used to date in middleschool is now bi bcuz she changed her ‘interested in’ to include both men nd women

nd yet, with all the h8 and luv, i mostly just miss fb.
i miss when i wuz 1 of 5 ppl in my highschool network cuz evryone was still on UrSpace, i miss when nuze feed just came out causing massive riots wrldwide, i miss when fb was super trippy and said “4get missiles, im switching 2 nukes” at the bottom of evry page

so in reality, i h8/luv/miss fb.
but what i do h8/h8/h8 is the way some ppl use fb and the things that they write/do/post on fb.

ex. fbNotes. Rly? Get a blog or somethng. Don’t ever do this. Evr. I’m trying to think of any exceptions where its ok to write notes. Nd i can’t think of any. At all.

nd now, the EXAMPL OF THE DAY: fbStatuses. sometimes they’re great... they let u know what ur frnd/mom/grandma is up to... they r sometimes hipster humorous... they r sometimes kind... they r sometimes really really angsty... and that’s all fine.
but sometimes, they’re DUMB AS FK.

FOR EXAMPL:


so here’s my question:

WHAT THE FK DOES THAT MEAN?
R u serious right now? What r u even trying to say here?

- R u trying to tell us that u r a lesbian and would rather just have guy frnds?
- R u trying to tell us that u r gonna marry all the girls in that picture with u?
- R u trying to tell us that u r teaming up with my sophomore yr bio teacher to take down all men evrywhere?
- R u trying to tell us that u r straight up on crystalmeth?

So apparently this is a quote from a LesboTVprogrammy. However, it makes no difference. It's still the cuntiest thing ive seen in quite some time.
Nd one more question: What the fk is up with the HeartGraphicBullsht thing at the end of this already cunty-as-fk quote? Riddle me that.

So congratulations, fbGirl with the pixelated name,
U r being crowned, right here, right now (This is HISTORY in the makng ppl!), as L.A. Nouveau's first-ever official CuntyMom of the Week!

Remembr this day in a bitchtastic way,
José

Don't Ask, Don't Ever Wanna Know.

I live in the most “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” life ever.
U ask me why?
I think the answer lies somewhere between the sexually active nerds that flock the hallways, the gays that engage in orgies with only women, the straights that have secret sleepovers with non-straights, the men that get pregnant often, and the newly-divorced mom that has started dating my 18 yr old friend.

Which is why i think i’ve cum to the point where i need to reanalyze what i’m into, what makes me vom, and evrythng in between.
In an effort to be an optimist for once, I spent class today brainstormng what in my life/in general life/in history turns me on.

Here r my turn ons that I came up with:

- Blnde ANGST. there’s sumthin about that grl, u know the one, who’s supr-colored supr-hilighted blnde hair + her personal animosity towards her current state of life that = fantastic.
- Ppl caring about the environment. Not only is eco-chic super in right now, but i cant deny how cool / EPIC / sexy it is when a bunch of ppl are togethr actively helping to bring about climate change.
- the Red Scare. it was dark, twisted, cruel, and super steamy. sumone needs to get on a Red Scare-themed porn immediately... “i know ill get ur commy secrets out of u” “ohh ull get more than that out of me” OR “ god all this mccarthyism is making me soo hot...” etc.
- Othr hipster blogs. But it’s a different kind of turn-on. It’s that “ohh u make me so angry / jealous / i cant believe u just took that idea / layout from me u cumfaced bitch,” but simultaneously “oh mannn it is terrifyingly brilliant / sexy how we clearly share the same thoughts / means of expression in our lives”
- Svetlanas. (see previous post).

And finally, my frnds, my signficnt othrs, my blog readers,
I give u sumthing I've promised for nearly a week.
I give u: M83.

Yee, it's finally here.
Nd just bcuz of the generally angsty nature of this blog, I give u a song that captures that perfectly. It's called "Teen Angst".
Nd now, for the frst time evr, u can dwnload the song from LAnvo. click the lnk.
M83 - Teen Angst
or listen to it:

Enjoy, señores.

Bytsh,
José

Uhh Super Sexy Raunchy (USSR)

Svetlana.
U r my lov-r.

To all the Svetty grls out there, I love u.

To all the grls who are svetty and don’t know that ur a total Svetlana, no worries, u r a total Svetlana.
To evryone that doesn’t even know what a Svetlana is, stop being so ignorant.
Altho my bestfrnd SrhKmg said that i shouldnt explain what a Svetlana is to all y’all who don’t already know, I feel that it’s one of those things that u gotta understand in order to be an informed wrld citizen / reader of LAnvo.

So who is a Svetlana?
If u've never met anyone named Svetlana, then i'm truly sorry, cuz grls named Svet r usually wonderful people.

It's that BLONDE
It's that EASTRN EURO
It's that SLUTTY ACCNT
It's that SKNNY TALL MODEL BOD
It's that EUROTRSH AURA
It's SVETLANA.















Nd whether she's Miss Russia, hot bmbshll model, former gymnast, minimum wage worker at ur rich friends' country club, or ur apartment neighbor who u always see cuming home from a club at 3 am...
she's a SVETTY.
Nd she is the future of feminism.

So i'm looking for a Svet in my life right now.
Do u know any Svets/Svettys/Svetlana's?
(Again, their name doesn't have to actually be Svetlana, altho that wud be a huge plus)
By now i hope u understnd the lifestyle/the look/THAT GRRRRL that i'm talkin about/looking for.
If u know one, send me a pic of her.
Even if u Google Image a Svetlana-looking girl, even if u find one on ur facebook and r totally overcum by her Svetty-ness, SND THAT SHIT TO ME.
CLICK HERE 2 EMAIL ME.
or snd it as a Commnt below.

Get on it.

P.S. I am such a tease. I'm sry.
I know u want more M83. I know u do. I know ur craving to hear more of their fantastically killr songs like u crave a new car / boyfrnd / cellfone / tax rebate. Nd I promise, repeat, promise, I'll post it latr.

Time to grab lnch with N.D.

Be good, be bold, be bitch,
José

Gweirdos, CinNerds, Fukcohol

I'll start with a song that i'm gonna be kind enuff to share with u ungrateful smegma-teeming teenagers.  If u weren't yet aware, pretty much the only talent today comes from hogwartz aka the UK.  So this puta's name is Nadia Oh, and her hot pop electroslut song is called "Got Your Number".  Apparently it was featured on the tv show Gossip Cunt at some point (fk my life), but i'm gonna try to ignore that fact.  But this song is so SaraKeim / SiM (socialite in nowhereland) its almost unignorable.

Public service anouncmnt:

Please fk the reese's pnut butter cup that i just ate.

ALSO:

NEW POLL.

TAKE IT.

BE A PART OF THE DEMOCRATIC PROCESS>>>> ANSWER THE POLL>>>

Other thghts: why is it that all of the sudden there are all these cinema nerds / gay weirdos aka CinNerds/Gweirdos that have seemed to sprout up like dandelions?

As my best friend SaKei once wrote on her blog: "You're tacky and I hate you."

And since when r white girls good looking again?  i thought that ended with claudia schiffer.  

srsly im almost positive that no white girls have ever been hot since claudia schiffer. 

now its all about mixed race, exotically tanned mamas.

but i got hold of this calendar photo from a sorority girls gone wild photospread (im not specifying what school or what sorority house) and i must say that the white girls seem to be rockin it in their soon-2-be wet white tees.

and this leads me to b-leve the fllwing:

ELITISM: its back and potentially sexier than ever.

final thought: AJM CUM HOME NOW.   othr final thght: humans that u usd 2 know make humans that u now know awkd out.

Big Idiotic Techno-Crap Hoes,

José