Tips 4 Relaxation nd How 2 B Less Like Bitch A.

Lets start this intellectual mindFk post by playing a game.
Its called “Do U Know A Bitch Like this?”
The object of the game is 2 determine if u know any bitches like the 1 im about 2 describe. Let’s see how u do.
Good luck.

Bitch A:...
Wakes up at 9:30 in the A-M.
Skips taking a shower bcuz showers r so 2ZroZro8.
Slips on the same pair of jeans that Bitch A has been wearing 4 sixdays.
Runs 2 grab coffee.
Has class at 10.
Gets out at 11:55.
Runs 2 work which Bitch A is supposed 2 start at 12.
Has an Elitist Important Meetng with Bitch A’s Boss at 12:30.
The boss shows up late, meetng goes til 2.
Runs out of the bldg 2 grab more coffee aftr the meeting.
Has a presentation 2 give at 2:30.
Does a WardrobeChange at 3:30 to go 2 Bitch A’s sports team captain job.
1 of the kids accidentally kicks Bitch A in the face during practice.
Bleeds 4 approx 20 min, leaves practice.
Gets home by 6:30, blasts “I Feel So Untouched Right Now” while heating up leftovers from 2 nights prior.
Crams 4 an exam until 8.
Goes out 4 drinks with 2 new frnds, 1 whose gendr is not necessarily clear.
Gets buzzed by 10 P-m, gets drunk by 10:15 P-m, gets home by 10:30 P-m 2 study more 4 Bitch A’s nextDay exam.
Makes a fresh pot of StarbucksSuperMochaMohave coffee.
Reads stimulating blogs b4 bed.
Goes 2 sleep around 1am.

So... Do U Know A Bitch Like this?
R there ppl in ur life who share some similarities to Bitch A?
R u the person who this sounds like?

If u know some1 or are some1 who is similar 2 Bitch A, then congratulations, cuz that person/u r overScheduled.
Which brings me 2 2day’s main point about what suxxx.
So here’s what suxxx.
Being overScheduled.



Its daunting.
Its frustrating.
Its cunty.
Its stressful.
2 put it in the wrds of the most platonic human being evr, it's a "Damn Shame".

Nd 2 b honest, no 1 likes overScheduled ppl.
Cuz they usually r 2 stressed, 2 erratic, 2 pissedoff 2 deal with othr ppl's problems,
Nd r basically the biggest CuntyMoms ever.

Nd I know its been 4ever since ive officially declared this, but I am hereby declaring Bitch A-type ppl as the biggest CuntyMoms of the Week.

So whats there 2 do 2 change this cuntyness, u ask?
Feel like there's no way out of ur overScheduled overWorked underSexed life?
Here's some Advice from the L.A. Nouveau AdviceColumn >>
- Drink more coffee//redbulls//Sparks. Keeps u going longer.
- Watch 30 Rock. Cuz if u associate with this lifestyle, then u will associate well with Liz Lemon.
- Take a WkndGetAway. More info on this is available in a post circa-Nov 0h-8.
- Meet me at Foxwoods.
- Go 2 the Beach nd chill out/surf out/make out with some surferBroskis.
- Write a musical theater production about a stereotyped Group of ppl who tend 2 piss u off as a way 2 channel ur angst/"Emotions."
- Choose.ur.own.Coping.Method

Would love 2 hear some of u's coping methods / ways u relax / ways u reduce ur own Cuntyness. Sharing is caring yall. U could b helping ur fellow reader/blogger/hipster/bitch A.
Remember the "Give It Away" theme 4 2kNine.

Get out of ur betchteeming life,
José

I h8 it, I love it, I miss it.

My frnd Carles over at Hipster Runoff recently composed a brilliant post where he realized that he only has 3 real emotions nd can only feel 3 different ways about something:

He can h8 some1/somethng.
He can luv some1/somethng.
He can miss some1/somethng.

(courtesy of HRO, obv)

nd while he h8ed on, luv’d, and miss’d some great thngs that i agree/disagree/didnt give a shit about, the best categorization he gave to somethng/some1 was to the following...
"JUSTICE. h8/luv/miss u"

nd now i’d like to share somethng that i too h8, luv, miss.
drumroll pleaze:

fb. (this is the last time evr i will explain that fb stands 4 facebook, nxt time ur on ur own)

on one hand, i h8 fb more than anything.

i hate the shitty fbchat, i hate the rising cost of fbgifts, i hate the fbAds telling me where i can meet the hottest BBWs, i hate all my awk fbFrnds who i think i went to highschool with but cant even remember anymore

but mostly i hate the way i dont hate fb, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
ok thats a lie, i hate it a little
but i also luv fb.
i love getting brilliant bumper stickers from drunk ppl, i love looking thru the last 5 yrs of my life thnks to fbPics/Tag’dPics, i love fbPoking those special some1s in my life, i love knowng that the girl i used to date in middleschool is now bi bcuz she changed her ‘interested in’ to include both men nd women

nd yet, with all the h8 and luv, i mostly just miss fb.
i miss when i wuz 1 of 5 ppl in my highschool network cuz evryone was still on UrSpace, i miss when nuze feed just came out causing massive riots wrldwide, i miss when fb was super trippy and said “4get missiles, im switching 2 nukes” at the bottom of evry page

so in reality, i h8/luv/miss fb.
but what i do h8/h8/h8 is the way some ppl use fb and the things that they write/do/post on fb.

ex. fbNotes. Rly? Get a blog or somethng. Don’t ever do this. Evr. I’m trying to think of any exceptions where its ok to write notes. Nd i can’t think of any. At all.

nd now, the EXAMPL OF THE DAY: fbStatuses. sometimes they’re great... they let u know what ur frnd/mom/grandma is up to... they r sometimes hipster humorous... they r sometimes kind... they r sometimes really really angsty... and that’s all fine.
but sometimes, they’re DUMB AS FK.

FOR EXAMPL:


so here’s my question:

WHAT THE FK DOES THAT MEAN?
R u serious right now? What r u even trying to say here?

- R u trying to tell us that u r a lesbian and would rather just have guy frnds?
- R u trying to tell us that u r gonna marry all the girls in that picture with u?
- R u trying to tell us that u r teaming up with my sophomore yr bio teacher to take down all men evrywhere?
- R u trying to tell us that u r straight up on crystalmeth?

So apparently this is a quote from a LesboTVprogrammy. However, it makes no difference. It's still the cuntiest thing ive seen in quite some time.
Nd one more question: What the fk is up with the HeartGraphicBullsht thing at the end of this already cunty-as-fk quote? Riddle me that.

So congratulations, fbGirl with the pixelated name,
U r being crowned, right here, right now (This is HISTORY in the makng ppl!), as L.A. Nouveau's first-ever official CuntyMom of the Week!

Remembr this day in a bitchtastic way,
José