Dear 2morrow, I Love U. Bcuz of Coachella.

Once upon a time, nd by that I mean on the 23 of February, a blog post on L.A. Nouveau was written discussing an amazing event that was going 2 occur in the far reaching future.

No, I didnt blog about the worldwide re-emergence of Zoroastrianism in the 2030s.

The blog post topic was Coachella.

Read the former post here: http://lanouveau.blogspot.com/2009/02/musical-ejaculation-via-coachella.html

At the time, Coachella, the wrld-renowned music festival that takes place evry year in the California desert, was months away.

But now, we've finally reached the day where I can proudly say

Coachella. Is. 2MORROW.

Holy. Shit.

What.the.Fk.

Mom.

Cant believe the time has finally come 4 me 2 experience my first Coachella evr.

Want 2 share with u an excerpt from the last blog post written about Coachella:

"...as an L.A. newbie, nothing excites me more than thinking about being a part of Coachella.
Just want 2 have the Best / Most Cliché Coachella Experience Ever.
- Want 2 pass out from dehydration.
- Want 2 get drugged while I'm camping out in the desert.
- Want 2 have my first mini-heart failure while listening 2 the Ting Tings.
- Want 2 have my identity stolen at a convenience store in lil downtown Indio.
- Want 2 musically 'fall in love' with 1 of the lessr-known artists that I muster enough courage 2 interview after their show.
- Want 2 fill up 4 memry cards worth of photographs that I took from the wknd on my Canon Rebel.
- Want 2 be offered "cheese" [aka a cocktail of Tylenol PM & Heroin] by Sir Paul McCartney.
- Want 2 run out of gas along I-10 b4 I even hit Palm Springs on the way home.
- Want 2 enjoy a 'religious experience' with hipsters that I randomly meet during the wknd."

More thoughts of mine regarding Coachella that have developed since this last blogpost:

- Sad nd shocked that my former friend Amy dropped out of the lineup. Shes usually so professional.

- Glad that the no-longer-preggy M.I.A. will b there instead. Miss her. Saw her last June in some random east coast city. Couldnt tell she was pregnant back then. Im pretty sure she was rly stoned. I wonder if she still smokes as much weed now that she has a lil AltBaby.

- Intrigued that 1 of the main sponsors 4 Coachella is Heineken Music. Didnt know that Heineken Beer Co had a music dept. Someday I wish 2 b the first artists signed by Heineken Beer Records. Pretty sure Ill have 2 b drinking a Heineken in evry music vid/promotional shoot/at evry concert on stage. Dont rly like Heineken, so maybe I wont do this. I think id rather b signed to Crystalmeth Records. Id b totally happy 2 promote that juicy goodness.

- Hoping that Steve Aoki nd the whole Dim Mak crew doesnt h8 me when Im hanging out at his pool party on Saturday. He didnt rly seem to warm up to me that much last time we met at that CobraSnake yard sale.

Share ur Coachella Eve thoughts with the whole lil L.A. Nouveau community.

Leave a comment about ur fave Coachella artist/least fave/what artist u plan on dying of dehydration during.

Bitch b at Coachella 2morrow,

José

I Love U L.A., But U've Chosen Darkness

A few months ago, something big happened in my lil Alt life.
Something bsides liquidating my future retirement fund.
This big event was Moving 2 L.A.

Hence, the name of this blog. [L.A. Nouveau translates 2 the New Los Angeles, in case u were still unaware, slowpoke bogens]
Hence, the ideas that r expressed in this posting site.
Hence, the way I currently live my lil life...

- Like raging at epic concerts in the L.A.area.
- Like taking pixx of nature/the skyline/the mts.
- Like trying 2 get a tan at thebeach.
- Like soaking up the sun.

Which is why I get quite angsty/upset/grumpy/grungy when its Cloudy.


The picture above is an exmpl of what LosAngeles isnt nd shouldnt b like.

Maybe its ok 4 Chicago 2 b completely Cloudy.
Maybe its ok 4 NorCal/SanFran 2 b completely Cloudy. Mostly bcuz its just not as nice as SoCal. Couldnt resist stirring up some drama with this lil antiNorCal commnt.
Maybe its ok 4 Manchester, UK 2 b completely Cloudy.
Maybe its ok 4 Syracuse, NY 2 b completely Cloudy.

But its rly not ok 4 L.A. 2 b completely Cloud-covered.
As Mr. G once said in his self-titled musical production, "It's just not right."

Cuz it brings us Angelenos down.
It makes w'all unable 2 do the L.A.-like things that we usually like 2 do.
Just makes us feel angsty nd pissy.
Want 2 call upon the 1979 song/album by the.Electric.Light.Orchestra. 2 relay my message 2 the Clouds that currently hang over the city of LosAngeles: "Dont Bring Me Down".


h8 2 sound like a spoiled brat.
h8 2 nag since most of u's all have 2 deal with cloudyness a lot.
But srsly.
U dont go 2 Rome nd expect 2 eat shitty food.
U dont travel 2 MexicoCity nd expect 2 not have ur lungs severely affected.
U dont move 2 Chechnya nd expect 2 not b kidnapped.
Nd u dont relocate 2 LosAngeles nd expect 2 deal with Overcast Cloud-filled days like 2day.

This whole lack-of-abundant-sunshine thing makes me think of an AltBand with a truly epic name that i only recently found.
Altho theyve been around 4 the last few yrs, theyre starting 2 get a lil more exposure in the mp3Blogosphere.
The name of the IndieQuartet MusicalGrouping is I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness.
So enjoy this lil song of theirs, wonderfully titled "Your Worst is the Best".


I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness - "Your Worst is the Best"

I h8 u bitchtastic Darkness,
José

Ur Nouveau TravelAgency has Arrived.

Getaways r the best.
Now don't get me wrong, love L.A.
I am ridiculously in love with the dirty bullsht that is LosAngeles,California.

But sometimes its nice 2 get away from it all.
2 get away from the drama.
2 get away from the erratic nd problematic evryday dealings of life.
2 get away from the CuntyMoms/SlutBags/DirtDevils/BroHoHoes.

As we all (w'all?) know, traveling around the holiday season is quite the adventure.
But regardless, aftr a yr full of more change, life changes nd transitions than evr b4, i think i, along with all u's, deserve a much needed break.

Now theres a lot of places where u/I/we/ could go.
W'all r so lucky that America is such a big country.
So many exciting places 2 go.

Now I know u could b thinking that ur ideal getaway is not necessarily in the USofA.
Maybe its Italy, maybe its Jakarta, maybe its some r&r in the Uzbek.
But right now, my fellow cuntrymen/cuntymen, if ur gonna take some LongWkndGetaway, u rly oughta do it in this bitch of a country.

Cuz America needs ur dollers.
Ur dough.
Ur pocketchange.
Ur earnings from the gold earrings u sold back to that GetRichQuik infomercial.

Cuz I have some big nuze 2 share with u.
We're in an economic crisis.

I know, ur freaking out, ur shocked, u just pissed urself nd now ur frnds r staring at the puddle undr ur feet.
But its srsly true, ur frnd UnkleSam is going thru some super rough times right now.
Nd he's looking 4 some monetary help.
Basically, in this little situation, u in college = UnkleSam nd ur parents = u. Get that?

R my metaphors too abstract for u's?

I'll try 2 tone that shit down. My b. (An ethnic frnd taught me this expression 2day, did i use it correctly?)

Back 2 the Big News. The economic crisis thing.
Instead of hopping off 2 the South Sandwich Islands, W'all gotta stay in the US this yr.
It's just the responsible feasable thing 2 do. As Friendly Fires nd Au Revior Simone say, "Someday we're gonna live in Paris, I promise, I'm on it, when I'm bringing in the money, I promise, I'm on it." But right now, it's just not a good time.
I promise. Someday. Maybe in 2Zro10. Lets hope we can.

But 4 now, its time to settle 4 somewhere in the good ol' United St8s.
Here r some suggestions based on my generalizations of diffrnt kinds of Americans.

- 4 the NeoLibrals: Portland, Oregon.
Totally urban but totally green, totally libral, totally funky fun, totally upbeat, totally chilly, totally Totttallly.

- 4 the Cumplete Hippy: SanFrancisco nd Berkeley, California.
Weed. Head shops. Chinatown. More weed. Alkatraz. Hemp evrything. Hemp wallets, hemp coats, hemp cars, hemp guns. Gotta love that shit.

- 4 the Pop Culture Circa 2008 Lover: Wasila, Alaska.
See the town that started it all. H8 her/miss hr/h8 her. Waiting 4 her talk show career. I will so watch the 1st episode of that.

- 4 the SouthernCharm-needy: Charleston, South Carolina.
In all seriousness, this city is great. Went 2 yrs ago nd would love 2 go back. Total southrn hospitality meets hip normal urban city meets confederate history. It really doesn't get much better.

- 4 the ColdHeartedBitch: Camden, New Jersey.
This will immediately straighten u up. Plus the Aquarium is a gr8 place 2 bring the kids. Nd it has a nice view of the Philly pollution, drug dealings nd gang wars.

Hope that was helpful.
Trying 2 help out this country of ours.
Trying 2 supply u with the most current news that affects ur life.

Which brings me LastButNotLeast 2 reveal a new L.A. Nouveau PostTheme:


Looking 2 put the NewsCntr in full swing in this upcoming NewYr. So Get Excited. !.

Thinking of adding a new travel advice/recreational advice/life advice in 2ZroZro9.

Bitch City,
José

Jeezy Knew What He Wuz Doing

Hi, My name is José and I'm not an alcoholic.

Surprising, right? I know, it's crazy! How can that be possible? I mean, I'm still technically in my younger years, I've been living in a college environmnt, I went to highschool. So shouldn't that automatically mean that I impulsively drink very often and can't manage to have a good time without it?

Well, I have nuze.

The answer is No. It doesn't mean that. At all. Not even a little.

Srsly.

Here's the truth:

Alcohol is the liquid of sinners.

So next time ur about to get totally tanked, think about this: WWJD? (what would Jesús drink?)
Here's the options I would guess:
- If he was just chillin at a social gathering, he'd be down for a Coke Zero, being happy 2 keep his figure lean, but not wantng to compromise that oversweet cola taste
- If he was looking for a good time, he'd roll with a Vodka Pom, my personal DOC (drank of choice), cuz he'd A. get that little buzz of alk and second of all, would b downing some supr-fine antioxidants to keep him healthy nd strong (which ironically wouldn't be that necessary in the end... thanks a lot, Romans)
BUT HERE'S THE DIFFRNCE: - If he was having a really bad day and needed to fking escape, he wudn't resort to gettng totally trashed. Cuz that's just irresponsible nd scary.
Here's what he would do instead:
Blaze.
Crunk.
Get roasted.
Hit the reefer.

Yes, America nd other Christian-majority nations of the wrld,
Jesus would have packed a bowl of some epic medical sht (he'd obviously have medical, cuz he wouldn't do any dealing and illegal buying), would have found the perfect outdoor spot to sit nd relax, and would have blazed the day/night away.

Nd in his time and day, he would've been totally respected 4 it.

Even Matty, Mark, Luke, and JohnnyBoy wud've surely hit up some Mary Jane with their pal JeezyC. Maybe they wud've even smoked their good ol' pal out once in a while.
They wud all be chillin and their BFF Peter wud say, "Yo JC, u've been a superb dude to us, let us smoke u out man."

So 4 all the HerbHaters, WeedWincers, nd MaryJaneMouthOffs out there, u can suck it nd take out the trash while the rest of SoCal nd NorCal hit up a bowl.

Baby, I've Touched Countless Hearts,
José

Almost Post-Thnkswknd Thoughts

The wknd is almost over.
Nd by weekend, I mean the nine days that I've been away from LA.
So I guess wknd isn't really the right word to describe this period of time.
But what else 2 call it?
Thnxgvng Break? Break from What? I liked life before, I didn't need a break... Okay so maybe I did, but this sure didn't feel like a Break.
Thnxgvng Vacation? Psh. That's a definite No. A vacation is usually defined as a time apart from ur stressful miserable life spent in a location that u want to visit and enjoy, not the opposite.
Thnxgvng Pause? Now that just doesn't even make sense.

Regardless of what u want to call these last nine days spent back in the Northeast in the town I grew up in, I have gained some new insight into my life nd the lives of others during this _____ (insert desired name for time spent "back home").
Nd out of all the things I've learned, the most pivotal one is the following:

I RUV LA.
I fking ruv it. Nd by ruv, I clearly mean LOVE.
I love LA so much, I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.
But srsly, there's a lot of messed up bullsht things about LA.
The traffic sucks.
The pollution + smog sucks.
The lack of public transportation sucks.
The potential for wildfires + mega earthquakes sucks.

But there's something about that warm sun, those palm trees, nd that HipsterChic totally pitted LA lifestyle that always put a smile on my face.


Hate New York City, it's cold and it's damp
And all the people dressed like monkeys uptight bitches
Let's leave Chicago to the Eskimos, that town's a little bit too rugged fking freezng
For you and me, babe

Rollin' down Imperial Highway with a big nasty (?) redhead at my side
Santa Ana winds blowin' hot from the north nd we was born to ride
Roll down the window, put down the top, crank up the Beach Boys MGMT,
Baby don't let the hipster music stop, we're gonna ride it 'til we just can't ride it no more
From the South Bay to the Valley, From the West Side to the East Side
Everybody's very happy, 'Cause the sun is shining all the time
Looks like anothr perfct day
I love L.A. (We ruv it!)
I love L.A. (We ruv it!)

But yet, I don't return for anothr two days... FK MY LIFE.

Don't get me wrong back there with that video though, I do love New York.
Like, extremely. It's been pretty much the only rewarding thing about being home so far.
And at some point in my life, I would love to live in the City that Never Sleeps
Take the subway to work evry morning
Becum a total Webster Hall rat
Live nd Breathe Hipster Chic in Williamsburg, Brklyn.

Nd that time will cum.
But 4 now, LA is where I gotta be.
Now if only I could actually be there...

Biznatch 4 evr,
José

Welcum 2 Los Angeles, Pasty-folk

I remembr Novmbr. I remembr it well. It was actually one of my favorite months, just cuz Octobr SUCKED THE BIG ONE, and Decmbr depresses the fk outta me. (Thnk you cold weather, commercialism, and false happiness)
But Novmbr always had an eeriness to it that no othr month quite had. The leaves changed, the weather got colder, the sky got darker earlier, the skin got pastier, the clothes got less slutty.

But now I'm in Los Angeles.
I've heard that it generally does get colder around this time of year and some leaves do fall and the climate begins to change a little.
So here's a little personal message to all u ppl that have told me this:
U R a bunch of cnty LIARS.

SRSLY. It's 90 DEGREEZ OUTSYDE.
SRSLY. 20 min north of me, there are crazy raging fires.
SRSLY. The air is filling with more smoke and soot by the second.
SRSLY. It looks like a nuclear disaster outside.
SRSLY. I might suffocate.
SRSLY. I died 5 min ago.

But srsly, I guess the good news is that I was able to tan for a while yesterday.

TIME ELAPSE: I wrote the first part of this post an hour ago.
Since then, the air has gotten a shit ton worse.
And I just took some epic photographs of how scary it looks outside.
So enjoy this shit below, and recall that the fire was almost 30 min away, and all these picturez were taken during the broad daylight around 3:30 pm, and all these picturez are unedited aka RAW.

Safely betchin (for now),
José

FK BRKELEYndNorCal

I am offish SoCal official.  

How do i know?  I'll tell you:

Cuz I hate NorCalerz.  Like, legit do not like them.  As in losers from Northern California. I'm probably about to lose like half the viewers of this blog by saying this, but srsly, NorCalerz are FKing annying.  Now there are the exceptions, aka the cannabis connoisseurs and SanFran hippies who are super legit.  But all of the following actions / interests make NorCalerz really stabable:

- HYPHY.  is.  pathetic.  like no othr.  its shitty rap, shitty beats, shitty 'cohol.  and the WORST WORST VüRST is the WHITE KIDS who thnk they fking rock bcuz they fking love HYPHY.  No!  It's a NO!

- "Hella." = Hella UNcool.   No one, and when i say no one, i mean NO ONE outside of the BAY AREUHH say Hella.  So never say it again.

- U think ur peaceful, liberal, and cool SOLELY bcuz ur from NorCal.  LIES, LIES and more vomit-teeming LIES.  example: Marin County.

- The fact that NorCalerz go to the University of SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA and yet bitch about SoCal.  WHY THE FCK WOULD U CUM HERE IF U R GONNA BITCH ABOUT SOCAL!?!?!

- The fact that there are a shit ton of Nor Calerz here right now for the Berkeley game and the fact that they think they're all better than everyone here yet they all look just as blonde, fake, and chemically-processed as all of the dmbhoes from LA.

Beat the Bears.

Fight the Fk on.  Srsly.  Fight the motherfk on.  As in, find out where the nearest San Mateo-dwelling kid lives, knock on his/her door, ask if he/she wants to die, and then fight him/her in an epic battle that has to ultimately be broken up by the LAPD.

P.S. if u havent checked out the song i posted in the post before this, then ur dumb.  so check it the msssk out.

I'll link this shit later.  It's time for ftball.

SOCal BAAAAAAHHHTCH,

José